I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realisation; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death. And sometimes I just want to kill people who made me so frustrated, so self-loathing, angry, made me hate myself, that it makes it harder, impossible to breathe. Finding ways to smash the skull in firm floor until the brain oozing out and blood streaming down, and hating myself more because I can’t even feel bad about it. It’s hard, hard to control, keep it within, it has consumed me, and this is how an empath became a sociopath.
OR MAYBE I’M JUST AN OBJECT, BROKEN SHATTERED OBJECT.
I have always been against Glorifying Over Work and therefore, in the year 2021, I have decided to launch this campaign “Balancing Life”and talk about this wrong practice, that we have been following since last few years. I will be talking to and interviewing around 1 lakh people in the coming 2021 and publish their interview regarding their opinion on glamourising Over Work.
If you are interested in participating in the same, do let me know.
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