Emotional Abuse – When I was an Abuser

Human Beings tend to have emotions. No matter, how much we pretend to be robotic, we all are emotional at the end of the day. One of the basic requirements of human emotions is to express ourselves.

Just the way we take care of our bodies. It is important that we also take care about our minds, so that we do not fall sick. It is upon us on how we can take care of our mental Health but sometimes, it also involves, moving away from Toxic People.

In my life, I have come across a lot of toxic people. Sometimes, I had an option to move away from them, sometimes, I had no option but to suffer them. We often talk about physical health as well as physical abuse but seldom do we talk about mental health and emotional abuse.

When I was an Abuser

The first person, who abused me mentally and emotionally was myself. Yes. Those constant comparisons, with the standards set by the society, was one of the reasons, why I ended up emotionally abusing myself. There were times, when I failed to understand that I am also a flawed Human Being just like others and I am bound to have limitations just like them. I ended up emotional abusing myself, when I gave more priority to look perfect in front of the world and not accepting and loving myself the way I was. I encouraged Emotional Abuse on myself, when I was not able to make everyone happy.

I would abuse myself mentally and emotionally, when I failed to accept that not everything is under my control. Just like everyone, there are nights and days, when I have cried continously because circumstances, were not in my hand.

Today, when I look back and see, I feel that I let petty things take over my mind and that is the reason I ended up emotionally and mentally abusing myself. Unknowingly, I also gave an opportunity to others to abuse myself. This is something that I have decided to change about myself.

Unhealthy Body to Mental Abuse

I was always on the heavier side. I had a typical Indian Arranged marriage, which means, I gave the opportunity to any random person to come and comment on my qualification and on my looks. Erratic Lifestyle and surviving on 5 hour sleep had made my body bloated and I was heavy. I quit my job and in 8 months consciously took care of my body. After my 1st Pregnancy I gained weight. Even though I had very bad Post PArtum Depression, I ended up keeping my weight in control.

In my second Pregnancy I gained even more weight. This lockdown only made it worse. I have PCOD so loosing weight is only a bit tough for me. After 2 C-SEctions, my doctor advised me to go slow on loosing weight because he did not want me to be injured anywhere. During lockdown I touched nearly 100 kgs. My problem was I knew I am heavy but I just could not accept the fact that I need to work towards to reducing the same.

Somehow, I was already huge and every other person who met me only commented first on my weight. It only made me more upset and I ended up eating more when I was upset. Finally from the last two weeks I started with Intermittent Fasting and managed to loose 4 kgs for good. I just made a few simple changes in my daily lifestyle. Gave up on all bakery items and fried items, reduced my meal portions to half. Last meal is around 7.30 pm and breakfast is around 9 pm.

Thanks to years of practices and fasting, I am able to control my hunger . By practising this I realised, that food was not the solution to my emotional abuse. I was under this viscious cycle, wherein I eat if I am upset, then again feel sad about my weight, then get angry, when someone comments on my weight and then again eat when I am upset. I had to work towards my body and mind to Emotionally Heal myself.

Social Media and Emotional Abuse

My pictures never come good. I am the least photogenic person and I have horrible taste in dressing. This is a reality, which everyone around me knows including myself. Whenever, I used to be on social media, I would always wonder, how some people just manage to look perfect in every picture they post. I can barely carryoff the fancy dress that they are wearing. There was always a constant sub conscious comparison between myself and others that I saw. Until I found out the app that they used for such perfect photographs.

Being a blogger, using Social Media is mandatory for me to promote my content. I end up spending some 2-4 hours in just observing and reading about the latest topics on Social Media and the next 6-8 hours, thinking randomly about what I read on Social Media. I do try to reduce the amount of time spent online but then it also causes loss to me.

No matter how much we try, we are always sub-consciously affected by the fake world online. I know everything that people post on Social Media is not true, but yes I am a flawed Human Being and so I end up believing in the same. After believing the same, I end up crying about it for hours.

Being Anti Social and Emotional Abuse

Just Because I am a Blogger and a good Public Speaker does not mean that I am a Social person. My Height of 5’7 and being on the Heavier side has always been intimidating for many people. That is something that generally makes people think that I may eat them up at the first given opportunity. So I barely had any friends. To top it off, my introvert and reticent nature barely did anything good for me. But today my close bunch of friends say that this is actually a blessing because I naturally filter out unwanted people and unwanted tensions in life.

There are times, when I wish that I also had many friends, with whom I could hang out or atleast speak to them once a day. Yes, I do have limited set of friends, who are ready to help me out at any given point of the day, who have good set of friends, so in short I have good connectivity, indirectly. But seriously, even today, it is tough for me to make friends. Do not believe the lie that my Facebook Friend list shows.

Things that helped me overcome Emotional Abuse and Mental Abuse

There was a time period, when I was going through a very bad phase in life. That is when a friend, who was learning astrology, asked me for my birth details. My friend said my sade sati was going on and therefore, receiting Hanuman Chalisa would help. I was initially reluctant to do so. However, with time, I started receiting once a day then gradually increased the number of times I did it.

Receiting Ganesh Mantra and Hanuman Chalisa multiple times a day, has helped me reduce my guilt and stress. For some strange reason, I would feel guilty for every action of mine. With time, I have attempted to change my self or atleast attempt to change myself and stop abusing myself emotionally. A lot of times, more than the external factors, it is we ourselves, who abuse our mind unknowingly.

Eat good food, read good thoughts and be happy in life.

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The copyright of this Article belongs exclusively to Ms. Aishwarya Sandeep. Reproduction of the same, without permission will amount to Copyright Infringement. Appropriate Legal Action under the Indian Laws will be taken.

If you would also like to contribute to my website, then do share your articles or poems at adv.aishwaryasandeep@gmail.com

We also have a Facebook Group Restarter Moms for Mothers or Women who would like to rejoin their careers post a career break or women who are enterpreneurs.

You may also like to read:

The Truth about Teenage Depression

Buzzing Bees – Vocal for Local

Health is Wealth – healthy food options for Pregnant Women

When and where to invest your money wisely

Domestic Abuse – A Gender Neutral Crime

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